Shamefully Wasting Time

My girlfriend and I, who have a soft, squishy spots for medeival epics, decided this weekend that we wanted to see the Jerry Bruckheimer diuretic masterpiece King Arthur. So we rented it--from an independent video store! Down with the man!

Where was I? Going into the movie, we thought it would be bad, but perhaps at least mindlessly entertaining. Instead, it made lots of my internal organs, which usually I can't even feel, sear with pain. Including my eyes, though I can feel those. Oh my God, where do I begin?

1. Do not rent this movie. Ever. For any reason. Even if you get it for free, it is not worth the 2 hours you will waste watching it.

2. The acting is awful, over-the-top, and melodramatic.

3. This has nothing to do with history. It is slightly more realistic than the traditional Arthurian romances, but the nod to realism is totally voided by the GAPING PLOT HOLES.

4. They obviously paid their historical consultants about $7 an hour. Otherwise they would've known that chain mail, plate mail, crossbows, and trebuchets had not been invented by the 5th century.

5. I can't even go on. It is too shitty. Here is a review of the movie written by a houseplant we have sitting on our coffee table, an African violet:

I need water to survive. My roots burrow deep into moist, rich soil, pulling nutrients for me to survive. Light ignites fires in my leaves, burning CO2 into delicious food for me. I pull water and minerals from soil, energy from light, I grow more leaves toward the light, plump with water, racing with cholorphyll. More leaves, more light, more water, more soil. I need water, it is drying. There is not enough water. Now there is too much water. It is too moist. The water dries. I draw water from the soil. I live!

This review is ten times as interesting as the movie itself. If you ever feel like watching Jerry Crapheimer's King Arthur, read this review instead for two hours, over and over, and you will be suitably entertained.